


The Splintered Soul Staring Back At Me

by Dragongirl180



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, F/M, GabeNath Reverse Bang 2020, Ghosts, Guilt, Nightmares, Not A Happy Ending, Regret, Spiralling, past implied abuse, shifting reality, undiagnosed mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28028382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragongirl180/pseuds/Dragongirl180
Summary: In the aftermath of the battle and a brief hospital stay, Nathalie is safe at home. Her recovery has been a bit stagnant, but she’s been granted leave from work and the miraculous is finally fixed. Things can only go up from here, right?
Relationships: Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth & Nathalie Sancoeur | Mayura, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/Nathalie Sancoeur | Mayura
Comments: 13
Kudos: 37
Collections: GabeNath Reverse Bang 2020





	The Splintered Soul Staring Back At Me

**Author's Note:**

> This work was created for the 2020 Gabenath Reversebang. A special thanks to my beta, the always wonderful[ ReminiscentLullaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReminiscentLullaby/works), and the artist, the incredibly talented[ Ayumunchinn ](https://ayumuchinnn.tumblr.com)without whose work this story never would have never seen the light of day. I’m very grateful to have been able to work with both of them.
> 
> Please make sure to check out the accompanying[ art ](https://ayumuchinnn.tumblr.com/post/637307456420265984/the-splintered-soul-staring-back-at-me)for this story! :)

Blinding light and a searing pain were all she knew. It was as if someone was stabbing her with a thousand sharp needles in a relentless attack. She raised a hand to her head to try to block it out, to soothe it any way possible, but it just got worse. A far off voice shouted something incoherent. If she hadn’t been focused on trying to keep her head from exploding, she might have attempted to decipher it. It wasn’t until she felt arms wrap around her that she realized she had been falling. She opened her eyes to a dark figure surrounded by the same white light, so bright that it threatened to burn right through her. 

The figure continued to speak. Letters came out jumbled and syllables twisted in the air like waves in a storm. She opened her mouth to speak, but only a silent scream was uttered and she was left gasping for air. The light got brighter and brighter. It was going to swallow her whole, wasn’t it? She was going to be pulled into the depths of an emptiness like no other. One hand continued to press into her temple, but the other reached out toward the light. Perhaps she could block it out—make it go away—will it away.

_ Just make it stop. Please…. _

The voice got louder. She couldn’t even make out a semblance of language anymore. It was only sounds. Grunts and moans. Screams and cries. Laughter and giggles. Everything came at once. 

“Look at what you did, you little half-breed! We’ll never get the stain out of this carpet! You’re useless.”

The slap had left such a large mark on her face.

More voices joined in. The pressure in her head grew. 

_ End it please!! _

“Miss Sancoeur, why do you want to work for me?”

_ No...please... _

“He’s just beautiful, Em. Simply beautiful. He looks just like you.” His hair had been so blonde that day, almost like gold.

Perhaps she shouldn’t fight the light. Maybe it would be better if she just let it take her. Whatever was on the other side had to be better than this hell she was currently in.

_ Please…please… _

“She’s gone…she won’t wake up. I don’t know what to do…”

“Sir, I will do everything in my power to help you. Your family will be whole again, I promise.”

She let go of her head and reached further, now with two hands. The light grew even brighter, if that was possible. Tendrils of milky white tickled her fingertips and slid around her wrists. It beckoned her forward. 

_ Yes.  _

The pain started to dull. This was…

“Nat, don’t go. I need you. Please.”

All at once the light receded and she was violently thrown backwards. When her eyes shot open, she inhaled deeply and stared ahead. The bright white light was still there, but now it was starting to form shapes that suspiciously looked like those that would be found in an office or…hospital. The scream echoing around her had died down and settled into the steady beeping of a heart rate monitor. She could barely move her head, but she was still able to make out those ‘tendrils of light’ across her wrists. Turns out they were just hospital bands.

Her eyes tracked around the room, ignoring the retreating hospital staff and the defibrillator cart, until they fell onto a figure walking over to her bed. In all her years as his employee, save one moment, she didn’t think she had ever seen him look so haggard. Devoid of the mountains of gel he used, soft locks of silvery blonde hair fell across his forehead. His blazer was wrinkled beyond saving and his tie was haphazardly hanging from his neck. Lastly…his eyes, the ones that were currently staring at her, were filled with equal amounts of relief and fear. It hurt her to think that her condition had caused this.

“S-sir,” she started.

He kneeled near her bedside and placed a hand over hers, effectively silencing her. 

“Save your breath,” he whispered. “Please. You’ve been through a lot these past few days.”

“Days?”

“Yes…it’s been five days since the battle.”

The battle. Memories briefly flashed in her mind. They had stolen the box and given the miraculous to Chloe. They subdued the guardian. She had another dizzy spell and fell into—she swallowed and looked down, hoping her face hadn’t gone red. The last thing she remembered was him helping her into the car. She couldn’t have lost that much time.

Perhaps seeing the confusion on her face, he leaned close and dropped his voice lower. “The miraculous took a bigger toll on you than we thought. You passed out in the car and wouldn’t wake up so I drove you straight to the hospital. They said you were comatose, but I...I didn’t know what to do.”

The pain in his voice hurt her more than the miraculous ever had. He didn't deserve to feel this way after all he had gone through. She knew well enough just how badly he took loss. Even if she was a mere employee, she supposed he felt somewhat responsible for her current condition. 

She mustered all the strength she had and turned over her hand, weaving her fingers through his. 

“It’s ok. Everything will be f-ine.”

Even as he smiled back at her, she could feel a growing pain in her chest—the metaphorical dagger. She’d always been good at lying through her teeth.

* * *

Two weeks later she had finally been able to get him to return the miraculous to her. It had taken considerable negotiating until he’d agreed under the pretense that she had grown attached to the feeling of wearing it, similar to his connection with his own. It also helped that he’d been able to fix the brooch with the deciphered grimoire. 

Duusu’s proximity helped her feel less alone in the apartment she’d been confined to. Even if the doctors had discharged her with a relatively clean bill of health, he’d still been overly cautious of her. She could only handle a few days of him hanging over her like a hawk before she requested a vacation. He was more than happy to oblige. The break came as a welcome respite for more dire reasons though. When she was at home, she didn’t have to hide the bloody tissues that piled up during her coughing fits, nor did she have to come up with excuses as to why she rarely took lunch breaks anymore. She had told him everything was fine and she was sticking to it. 

“Nat, would you like more coffee?” a voice broke her from her thoughts.

She stared down at the full mug of cold coffee in front of her and sighed.  _ That _ was the worst thing to come out of all of this.

“Yes I would, if you don’t mind,” she replied.

She wasn’t even going to take a sip, but it was better to humor him. Steps echoed behind her as he brought her a fresh cup. Steps that twisted that dagger deeper and deeper as they got closer. A mug was placed in front of her, prompting her to look up into familiar grey eyes.

“Thank you, Gabriel.” 

He smiled, something the real Gabriel rarely did, before taking her cold mug back to the kitchen. She watched him go until tears started to blur her vision and she had to look away. She pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket and dabbed at her eyes. The soft material felt light against her skin, almost as if it were made of feathers…or imbued with the powers of a magical one.

Before what was supposed to be the final battle against the heroes, she had had a moment of intense guilt in which she almost decided to stop being Mayura for good. She didn’t know how he’d take it nor did she even know where to start so she had made a sentimonster to practice on. He was supposed to be someone she could talk to, a glorified speechwriter at best, but then she took it further. Seeing his worried face when she’d been discharged from the hospital was something that only happened in her dreams. She supposed she could keep him around just to help out around the house while she recovered. 

She didn’t expect him to be so  _ human _ . 

It was simply an error. She’d conjured up her ideal version of the usually stoic man when she was creating him. Where her boss was cold and distant, only showing affection in the rarest of moments, this man was sweet and loving. He doted on her hand and foot like a proper gentleman. Part of her was reeling at the fact that she had essentially cloned her married boss and turned him into a servant, but the other part…she didn’t want to think about her growing feelings for him. Ignoring them had never worked before and now it was downright impossible to do so.

How could she pretend he wasn’t there for her when he caught her retching into a bin and she had to lie about a dizzy spell…

_ “Nathalie…my dear Nathalie, you’ll feel better soon. Now that the miraculous is fixed, the last obstacle in your recovery is gone. The dizziness will dissipate, but until it does, I’ll always be by your side to stop you from falling.” _

…or those nights when she woke up screaming after suffering through nightmares filled with scathing insults and angry green eyes… 

_ “I don’t know who this Emilie is, but she sounds like an awful person. You need not feel guilty about anything. She can’t hurt you now.” _

She shuddered at the memory of his words. They were too good for her.  _ He _ was too good for her. His entire world consisted of nothing but her apartment! He didn’t even know about his son, though Adrien wasn’t really  _ his _ , was he? She hadn’t thought to give him any of his predecessor’s personality, merely a familiar face which she could use to build up some courage.

Ever the little devil on her shoulder, Duusu had only encouraged her to keep him around. All he did was cook and clean for her. How bad could it get? And even if something bad did happen, all she had to do was tear the handkerchief in half and he’d fade into nothing. So what if everything she told him was a lie? No one besides them knew about his existence. Everything was going to be fine.

“How could you?”

Nathalie looked up and saw nothing, but felt a deep and bitter chill running down her spine. Cold licked at her face and crept under her clothes, spreading across her skin like the tide on a frigid winter beach. With lips tinged with blue and gently chattering teeth she pulled her blazer closer to her as if it could shield her from further attacks. Who was she kidding? The only thing her jacket was good for was deflecting others away from her. The dark purple had always made her feel comfortable. People were often drawn to bright and cheerful colors, which made her all the more happy to be able to wear it like a suit of armor.

“Hello?” she called out. “Is someone there?”

A loud scream echoed above her. Or was it below? It felt like the sound was closing in on her from every angle as it grew louder. She fell to her knees and smashed her palms over her ears. Her eyes screwed shut until they hurt and she swore she felt a tooth crack from gritting them. A wind picked up and bore down on her like an icy rain. She felt like the wind was going to freeze her solid.

“How could you?” the voice called again in a voice filled with heartache.

All at once, her eyes were open and she was forced to watch as the world around her changed. The darkness shifted and formed shapes. A light shone from above and highlighted the beginnings of wispy trees rising from the ground. They grew and grew, branches reaching out like bony fingers. Around them, smaller shapes rained down from the sky. Once the light had grown bright enough, she realized they were flurries. It was snowing.

She went to bury herself in her blazer once more, but was shocked to find that she was now wearing a thick fur lined coat. Her hands were wrapped in snug gloves and a set of earmuffs were now perched atop her head. It didn’t stop the now milder wind from whipping her hair about her face, but she no longer felt so cold. That relief was short lived when she finally surveyed her surroundings. She was in a cemetery. 

Rows of tombstones stood erect in silence to the left and right, in front and behind, like a sea of the dead. Some were crumbled with the weathering of centuries, while some were smooth marble with new black writing and laid with floral tributes. Most though, were overgrown and unkempt, for now even their mourners had joined them under the clay soil. 

After struggling to her feet, she made for the exit, but one of the stones caught her attention. It looked newer than the rest and was carved from expensive-looking marble. Though the ground was covered in a layer of white snow, she could still tell that this plot was fresh. For some reason she needed to know to whom that tombstone belonged. She walked over and took a deep breath before looking down. Her heart stopped when she read the text. 

Emilie Agreste. Beloved wife, mother, sister, and daughter. May she forever rest.

“There was hope before. Just a tiny flicker of it, but it was there.”

She jumped at the sudden noise, turning around so quickly that she lost her footing. Down she went, her arse landing on the sold winter ground and her back leaning against the marble. Her eyes zeroed in on white pumps before traveling up a matching pantsuit and finally settling on two green eyes. 

Emilie looked just as she had the day she fell into her coma.

"Emilie? How are you…" she looked back at the stone before meeting her face once again. To green eyes filled with sadness.

"As I said, Nat. There was hope."

"What does that mean?" 

"How was your thinking so different from my own, so alien? How is it you saw the suffering my son went through and chose to make it all the worse?" 

Nathalie couldn't even bring herself to reply. She merely sat there and listened to a dead woman speak. 

"That should be your tombstone. You should have done what was right and sacrificed yourself for the greater good. The day I didn't wake up was the day you ruined everything. When my husband greeted you at the door with tears in his eyes. In that moment you had a choice of kindness or cruelty; it took no time at all for you to decide. You saw a golden opportunity to better yourself at my sake."

“It's not like that at all. If you’d just let me explain-”

“What is there to explain?!”

“I’ve done nothing to impede his quest to save you! Everything I've done has been to help him."

"Is that so? So becoming a fraudulent mother to my son was just part of the plan? The hand holding and fleeting glances at your boss were just part of it too? The fact that he would give up one of his greatest plans ever just because you started coughing is the worst though. He truly would have succeeded had you not stopped him."

"I told him to keep going. You can't blame me for his actions."

"Oh, I plenty well can and I shall. The man I married was goal-oriented until the end. He would have never let something like a bumbling assistant get in the way of what he wanted, especially when that something was me. No, he's changed and not for the better."

Emilie walked forward and kneeled in front of her. The sadness in her eyes had faded to pity. 

"Why would he pick you, a cold pile of bones and dirt, when he could've had me? Why not pick someone with a pulse?" 

Her eyes flickered down toward Nathalie’s hands in the briefest of movements, but it was enough to siphon every last bit of warmth right out of her body. She tore the gloves off and observed her bare hands. The silver band of a diamond ring looked black against her pale skin.

“The soil over my grave hadn’t even settled when he gave you that.”

Nathalie’s eyes widened, but before she could think of a response, disembodied voices echoed around her and a ghostly hand grabbed a hold of her ankle, pulling hard. Her fingers dragged through snow and wet grass as she tried to pull herself out of its grip. Emilie stayed where she was, a small grin now gracing her features. 

"I may not be able to come back, but I take pleasure in knowing that neither will you. That guilt of yours is going to swallow you whole. It will rot you to your core until you are nothing but a husk."

"I didn't mean it!" tears were falling down her cheeks, but the cold was freezing them before they could fall. Her cheeks burned at the contact. "I truly wanted to help your family. My feelings for him weren't planned. They weren't wanted! I hated myself for how I felt. I still do! You must believe me."

She looked back and caught a glimpse of a gaping hole in the ground a few feet away. Her own name was etched into the marble tombstone above it.

Nathalie  _ Agreste _ .

Fleeting scenes rushed through her mind. Her wearing an old shirt of his. Late nights in front of the fire. Him hanging a painting of some Roman monument that had once belonged to her in his office. The taste of champagne on their honeymoon. The sound of a newborn’s laugh...

Emilie's voice raised as the wind picked up, "Perhaps he'll have us buried next to each other. Years from now, his new wife will come lay flowers at the graves of two women she never knew. Who knows, maybe she'll follow us one day."

"Emilie, please!" 

The hand on her ankle yanked with vicious force, causing her to lose the fragile grip she had in the grass. Her nails had torn, leaving a bloody trail as she was pulled further toward the abyss. Further and further she went until it left her holding onto the edge of the grave pit. Below her she only saw darkness, not even a casket which might break her fall. No, there was a much darker fate in store for a person of her character. 

"Just let go. It'll be so much easier."

Emilie stood above her, her lithe silhouette outlined by the light of the moon. Nathalie hated to admit it, but she looked ethereal in that moment, so…alive. 

"You've already done so much. Helped a criminal attack a city multiple times, put two children in danger, even put my son in harm's way. There is no going back for you. How could there be?" 

"No…" she muttered weakly. 

A soft hand graced her cheek, reminding her of a time when she had done the same to someone else. And just like them, she couldn't resist the urge to press her face closer. 

"Let go," she whispered. "This is what's best for you."

Nathalie shut her eyes and sobbed. It was such a pitiful sound. She'd done so many bad things. She'd crossed the ultimate line. Maybe this really was the only way. Tears continued to sting her face as she let go of the ledge. She watched the figure above as it got smaller and smaller until she saw no more.

* * *

She woke with a start. There were tears running down her cheeks and arms wrapped around her. She almost leaned into them, almost gave into the warm comfort of his chest, but she didn't. How could she after the nightmare she'd just witnessed? Though she was far from whatever hell that had been, she still didn't allow herself to relax. 

"I heard you crying in your sleep and came as fast as I could," he whispered. "Was it the same as usual?" 

She stared at the ruffled sheets in front her, unable to meet his worried gaze. She rarely had the strength to look away from those eyes at work, who knew what she'd do here. With a soft sigh, she lowered her head and replied. 

"It was different this time."

"Sounded awful. It was about Emilie wasn't it?" 

"She's not the horrible person you think she is. I'm the one at fault here. I deserve everything she says."

"No you don't! Nathalie, look at me."

When she failed to move, he grabbed her chin and angled her face toward his own. They were so close now, his lips only an inch away, but all she could think of was how his skin burned hers like a hot iron. She gulped and pulled away as much as she could without him catching it. This was better for both of them.

"That's better. Now listen here. You are the most beautiful, kind, and endearing soul to ever walk upon this Earth. Your good nature is what originally drew me to you. I will not let you think this way about yourself because of some awful person from your past."

"But she's not some person I used to know, Gabriel. You knew her too! You loved her!" 

If he was taken aback at that, he didn't show it. He just continued staring at her like she had hung the stars in the sky. She wished he'd stop. 

"I'm tired of living a lie. All of this isn't real. It's nothing but a life I stole from someone who did nothing to deserve it.”

He sighed and gave her a small smile. “You’re tired, that’s all. How about we talk about this in the morning?”

“No. We can’t pretend anymore. Gabriel, none of this is real! I made it all up. I lie-”

She was silenced by the feeling of his lips upon hers. Not for one moment, did she let herself bask in it. Instead, she felt like she was going to be sick. He probably thought he was helping. A soft kiss in the arms of your lover after a nightmare? How much more romantic could you get?

Her hands were on his shoulders and shoving him back with a strength she had not had in a long time. 

“What the hell was that?!” she yelled.

“I’m sorry, I just thought-”

“No! You weren’t thinking and that’s what’s gotten us into this mess!! It’s your fault Gabriel.”

That statement could’ve applied to either of them, she realized. Leave it to her to create a carbon copy of the man who caused her so much strife and then let said copy live with her. 

A noise sounded behind her causing her to jump, but it was just him moving his feet. She raised her hand to her neck and scratched at an itch, feeling her increasing heartbeat under her fingers.

“Nathalie please. We should talk this out. You can’t ignore the nightmares. They’ve been getting worse. Your mood swings too.”

“Mood swings?? I’m fine! I’m allowed to be angry at being kissed without my consent.”

“Stop!” 

“No. You’re not going to turn this on me. You kissed me. You kissed me!”

“I’m not talking about that. Your neck-”

She moved back until she was practically hanging off the edge of the bed. What the hell was he going to do to her?

“Miss Nathalie,” Duusu whispered beside her.

The kwami ducked out of the way of a flying hand. Nathalie had tried to swat her away as if she were a bug. She still hovered as close as she could. Her face was filled with misplaced concern.

“Stop scratching your neck, Miss.”

Nathalie blinked a few times before she gathered her hands in her lap. She hadn’t been scratching her neck. They were just toying with her, trying to make her think she was crazy.

“You’re both insane. Leave me the hell alone,” she spit.

She made sure to study the look of hurt on his face and burn it into her memory. This was her reality. She was meant to be far away from him even if it hurt them both. He said nothing as she got up and walked out of the room, choosing to sleep on the couch from then on.

Still, she let him stay. That night had gotten the message through that there was nothing between them and there never would be. If she spent the next morning in the bathroom coughing up blood, what of it? It would be a lie to say she didn’t like the pain. It would also be a lie to say she didn’t notice the dried blood under her nails, but she had probably scratched him when she pushed him away.

One day, when she finally had the courage, she would release him from her hold. She would destroy that handkerchief with a smile on her face and watch as he took her worries and strife away with him. The day she learned to let go, would be the day she could truly start to heal.

* * *

The sound of the phone ringing cut across the air like a sharp knife. She didn’t remember the volume being so jarring before. Perhaps she had changed the settings and forgot about it. After making sure Gabriel wasn’t around, she reluctantly picked up the phone and pressed it to her ear.

“Hello?” she said tentatively.

“Nathalie. You finally picked up!”

As soon as she heard the deep voice of her employer, she clutched the receiver tighter and glanced around the apartment. She couldn't rule out the idea that he was hiding behind a door and listening in. Anything to find out what he figured she wasn’t telling him. She’d seen that look in his eyes grow with each day. He knew.

“Hi, sir. I’m sorry for not taking your call sooner. I...didn’t hear-”

“This is the 4th time I’ve called in the last 10 minutes.”

She winced at his tone, but said nothing about it. This had been the first time it rang, she thought at least.

“My apologies. What were you calling for?”

“I was merely checking in on you. Your emails have become scarce.”

She glanced at the laptop sitting on the table. It’s screen was shattered and some keys had been ripped out of it. Fake Gabriel said she had dropped it, but that didn’t explain the dent in the living room wall. It was better to ignore it and hope it would go away. She could buy a new one.

“Yes, my…wifi has been acting up. They’re doing construction of the wires near my apartment. I’m sure everything will be fixed soon.”

“A small inconvenience, but not unsurpassable. The new intern has started recently and I think she’d do well to take over your emails for the time being. At least until you’re able to work unobstructed.”

He’d said something else, but she had stopped listening once she heard the word ‘intern’. An intern…a fancy word for replacement. After taking a deep breath and finding that it didn’t help her calm the increasing nerves in her stomach, she tried to scratch at the sticker on the back of the phone. Up until now she hadn’t noticed...she looked down at her hands and realized her nails had been trimmed very short. When had...

“Nathalie?”

She jumped and pressed the phone closer. It was practically squished against her cheek, but she didn’t want to drop it. 

“Sorry, sir. I just. An intern? This is the first time I'm hearing of this.”

She heard him cough. “I told you about her. You looked over the candidates and gave me recommendations on who to pick. Don’t you remember?”

“It must have skipped my mind. I haven’t been sleeping well. When did this happen?”

“I have the email right here. You sent it on November 3rd.”

She glanced at the 365 day calendar next to her. December 19th was glaring at her in festive colors. She tried to swallow, but her throat was dry and scratchy. She could really use a glass of water right now.

“Oh yes,” she laughed. “I was thinking of something completely different. Excuse me.”

“Are you feeling okay? If you need more of a break, I'd be happy to give it to you.”

“No, sir. I’m fine, you’ve just caught me on a bad day.”

“Nat…”

When his voice dropped into the tone he used exclusively for her, she knew he was about to say something that would only make her feel good in the moment. She’d spend the rest of her day staring out a window and contemplating how she had let it all go so far. 

“You know I ca-” 

Before she could react, the kitchen door swung open and the walking nightmare himself strode into the living room. Any other time would have found her happy to see him carrying the glass of water she so desperately needed, but this was not that time.

“I thought I heard you. You must be thirsty after sleeping for so long,” he said cheerfully.

Her eyes narrowed and she pointed at the phone in her hand. He thankfully got the message and set down the glass before leaving without another word, but it was too late. The voice on the other end of the line had gone silent. At first, she thought the call had disconnected, but the screen said otherwise. That couldn’t be good.

“Sir?” she asked.

There was another moment of silence before he cleared his throat and replied, this time in a voice that was all business and devoid of any warmth.

“Who was that?”

She took another deep breath. At least he hadn't been able to recognize his own voice.

“He’s just a friend who came over to deliver some food. I told him not to bother me when I was on the phone, but I guess he forgot. I’m sorry he interrupted you.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m glad you have someone there to help you. Makes it easier for me not to think about you.”

“What?”

“I felt guilty since I couldn’t be of more assistance, but it looks like you’ve already got that covered. Now I can focus on my work.”

_ “-instead of you.” _

He didn’t say the words outright, but she knew he was thinking them, but that was something she could sulk over late.

Gabriel had felt...guilty? Maybe she truly was reading into this too much. He had no feelings for her at all. It was just guilt that drove him to act like he cared about her even for a moment. She didn't understand why the revelation made her sad. If anything it should’ve made her happy to know that she wasn’t stealing him away from Emilie as she had previously feared.

“Oh, Helene is back. That’s my cue to leave.”

“Wait, I…I’ve been making progress. I’m sure it won’t be long until I can return to work.”

“Yes, yes that’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Hold on a moment. Nathalie, what is it?” he snapped. 

“Nothing,” came the quick reply.

She shut her mouth and slowly lowered the phone down to her lap. His faint voice was calling out for an answer from her as her thumb hit the button to end the call. It shouldn’t have been surprising to see how he could switch from being warm to cold at the snap of a finger, but she still felt taken aback that he could do that to her of all people. In his defense, though; he was clearly annoyed by something and the only logical reason for it was that she had been bothering him.

The kitchen door opened a crack and she saw him peek his head out. Him. The reason this happened. Gabriel had heard him and automatically assumed there was a man in her life now. That couldn’t be further from the truth, but it wasn’t like she could call him back just to say that.

What was the better outcome of all of this? Gabriel thinking she had someone would finally sever any and all ties between them that were more than platonic. That was good. It was very good. It was what she wanted. On the other hand, that stubborn part of her still remained. She still wanted him, even if it came with serious repercussions. It was as if the nightmares hadn’t gotten to every part of her psyche. There were still dark places in her mind that still clung to the hope that she could have a life with him.

“Is it okay to come out now?” he asked, breaking her from her thoughts.

“No actually. It’s not,” she said as she got up.

He walked into the room and made a beeline for her. There was something in his movements that didn’t sit right with her. A tall imposing figure walking to her with every intention to corner her… Her mind wandered off for a second before she called it back and stood her ground.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

That damn smile never left his face and it got on her every last nerve. Why should he be happy, while she was miserable? She took her hands and planted them on his chest, shoving as hard as she could. She took a certain pleasure in watching him fall. It was as if she was finally getting back at someone else, a person from a distant memory.

“This is because of you. Real and fake! If not for you, my life would be so simple, but no! You had to come along and ruin everything.”

He sat up on his elbows and regarded her with a confused look. “Nathalie, where is this coming from? Surely a simple phone call couldn’t have made you this upset?”

“He can drop me that easily. As soon as I’m out of commission, he has a fresh new replacement lined up. It's infuriating! He’s led me on this entire time.  _ You’ve _ led me on. Your caring words and friendly attitude are just shams. The real Gabriel is nothing like you, but I’ve allowed you—my own creation—to lull me into the false sense that he-you really can care for me. I’ve been such a fool.”

“If I may-” he tried to interject, but she cut him off.

“No you may not. I’ve betrayed Emilie. I’ve torn her family apart. I know I have. I tried so hard to please him and do everything he asked, but where has it gotten me? I’m dying in this stupid apartment and I have you hanging over my shoulder. I can’t do this anymore!”

She took one last look at him and shut her eyes, willing the tears away. Rather than face him any longer, she did what she did best. She fled.

* * *

Nathalie ran into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her with a loud thud. She couldn’t see him right now. She didn't have the strength. Emilie was right, just like she’d always been. Nathalie had done the unthinkable by letting her friend rot away in a basement while she took her place, or at least tried to. Gabriel had apparently been strong enough to resist her charms once she was out of the house and had started to carry on without her.

_ Good _ , she thought.  _ It’s better for him to stop caring about someone as worthless as me _ .

She glanced toward the mirror against the wall and approached it. It was old and worn, but she remembered how much she had loved how it looked. Gabriel had been about to throw it away when she'd asked if she could have it. He found no use for it, but she saw a certain charm in the old relic. The frame felt cold under her fingers as she ran them along its length. That charm was gone now, the mirror only serving as a reminder of one of the biggest mistakes of her life. 

Before she could even reason with herself why this was a bad idea, she felt her hand fly through the air. The room was filled with an audible crack as her fist hit the glass. The mirror shattered easily, littering the floor with pieces of glass no bigger than diamonds. Soon enough, they were joined by little drops of blood from her knuckles. She could tell without looking that she needed stitches. 

With her fist still pressed to the mirror, she looked up and met her own gaze in the pieces that had not fallen. The person standing before her was someone she barely recognized. Blue eyes were glazed over, dark circles surrounded them, lips were chapped, and cheeks were hollow. There was also a scratch in the midst of healing on her neck. What the hell had she become? When was the last time she had eaten or bathed? Why couldn’t she remember anything?

Even the picture above her taunted her. She remembered seeing it in her nightmares. The Colosseum, a building that was once the crown jewel of an empire, but now stood in ruin with nothing but ghosts to inhabit it. It served as nothing but a crumbling reminder that even Rome eventually fell. Now she sat there feeling like she was the one falling apart. Did that make Gabriel the empire? She certainly was no jewel. 

Speaking of him, she hadn't heard the door open, but she noticed his reflection in the mirror. It was the most curious sight. Some pieces had been wedged in a different direction instead of falling off. The result was that she could see half of his face and part of his shoulder where her own should have been. It looked like they were two halves of one person. One utterly messed up person. 

"I want to be alone," she muttered. 

"You shouldn't be alone in your state."

"My state?" She turned to look at him. "And what exactly is my state?" 

"Come on-" 

"No. Tell me what my problem is."

"I think you've been very overwhelmed these past weeks and it's taken a toll on you. You just need to slow down and take things slower."

She laughed, a pitiful sound. "I don't need to do anything but get better and go back to work."

"Why?"

"You know why. He needs me. He can't make his plans come to fruition without me."

"Or you just can't stomach being without him."

"Shut it, Gabriel."

"I think the name you're looking for is 'fake' Gabriel."

She heard him shuffle toward her, but she refused to look at him even if her heart rate had increased. 

"So you finally figured it out. Who told you?" 

"Duusu explained it."

"Ah."

"But that was only after you did."

"I never told you anything."

He sat down next to her. She could see him fold his hands in his lap in the broken mirror. 

"On the contrary, you did. It was right before I kissed you."

When she didn't reply, he continued. "You gave such an impassioned speech about how everything wasn't real and I thought that you were just stressed. I thought a kiss would distract you."

She hated to admit that she didn't remember ever kissing him, but she had to know. 

"And did it distract me?" 

"Not in the slightest. It only made you more angry. It's why you've been sleeping on the couch all this time."

"Good. It just shows that I've got my wits about me at all times. I can't let something like that cloud my thoughts."

"Something? I have a name you know."

"You're not real."

"I may not be him, but I know I'm real in a way."

"No. You are not real."

"Nathalie-"

She pulled the handkerchief out of her pocket and stared down at it. The red and white stripes were truly garish, made to match his equally dreadful tie, but even now she could see the genius behind the aesthetic. The woven threads symbolizing some silent thought of his. Perhaps he was making a connection to the war in his own heart between caring for his son and getting his wife back, two things he couldn’t do if he was having to  ~~ worry about ~~ be distracted by her health. Guilt once again caused a tightening pain in her chest.

"Gabriel will never care for me the way I care for him. I am nothing but an employee—his underling. I'm a nobody."

He reached over and tried to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she moved away from him. She couldn't get attached. She couldn't allow herself to be weak. Feelings only led to heartbreak and everyone always left in the end. She shoved her good hand in a pocket and felt something soft against her fingers.

" _ You  _ most of all should understand my plight. I made you from my own feelings. You know exactly what's going on with me."

"Yes I do, and that's why I've been trying to help. Hiding behind these apartment walls isn't all there is Nathalie. Suffering and isolation are not good coping methods. We can get you help!" 

"Shut UP!!" 

"Just listen to me-" 

"No! You're just like the rest of them. I open my heart—I try to trust—and my heart always gets broken in the end. I learned that a long time ago. Never trust anyone but yourself. Sadly I made a mistake and let my walls down around him and you."

"Nathalie don't shut me out. Please! I don't know how he feels, but I know how I do. I care about you, deeply!" 

"I've kept you around for too long. Every time I saw your face I felt disgusted with myself. I felt disgusted at being reminded of what I did to the Agreste family. I always try to please everyone around me, but I just ruin everything." 

"If you felt so disgusted then you would've gotten rid of me a long time ago. You let me stay for some reason."

"And?" 

"And so I think that deep down there is some part of you that still needs me...or at least my support. You feel guilty for how much you care for others and you think you can remedy it by pushing us all out. You’re ashamed of letting a professional relationship get personal and that is completely understandable."

"You think I still want your friendship. That even though I've been thoroughly losing it, having you here has kept me from going over the edge."

"In part, I suppose."

"Well you're wrong. I can let people care about me, I just choose not to. Caring leads to weakness and  _ weak _ is something I will never be again."

"Again? Falling ill from the miraculous was not weakness. You couldn't help that it was damaged."

"No that's not…"

"Not what?" 

"Never mind."

"What no. Please tell me. If there's something on your mind, you shouldn't keep it in."

"On the contrary, I have found that bottling things up is the best way to cope. That and…cutting off loose threads."

"N-" 

She tore the handkerchief clean in two, watching in the mirror as he faded away, his mouth open with words he'd never got to say. The look of hurt on his face was enough to shatter  _ her _ this time. Afterwards, she looked down at the cloth in her hands and sighed. The tears came rushing to her eyes, but she welcomed them. It was as if a good cry would be enough to wash away all her problems. It wasn't, but…she could dream. 

Her entire life, she'd grown up knowing that she could never trust anyone. It wasn't just good business, but a way to keep her safe. After disregarding that rule, everything bad that could happen did. Just more proof that her rule was a good one. She looked in the mirror and pressed a hand to her cheek. 

_ The slap had left such a large mark on her face, but he stepfather was quick to get her some ice when it looked like it might bruise.  _

_ She remembered her stepfather looking at her with fear in his eyes, not because he had hurt her but because of the repercussions of others finding out. He figured she couldn't read him like a book, a mistake on his end.  _

_ "How about we don't tell your mother about this, okay? It'll be our little secret." _

_ And a secret it had remained, as had all the others.  _

Duusu came to land on her shoulder, sad eyes focused on the handkerchief. Nathalie used the scraps of fabric to once again wipe her tears before tossing it into the bin next to the mirror.

She looked down at her hands and reasoned that she could wash them off and sew them up herself. What good was her brief medical training in university if she didn't put it to use?

Next she would sweep up the glass and dispose of the mirror. It was old and wouldn't be missed anyway. Duusu tried to make conversation about what had just happened, but Nathalie knew it was better to just forget. 

"We won't tell Mr. Gabriel about this, okay? It'll be our little secret."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my work. I hope you liked it! any feedback or comments are appreciated. Stay safe everyone.


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